Have you taken the Enneagram Personality Test? I’m a Type 1: “The Reformer.” Here I am in a nutshell, according to TheEnneagramInstitute.com: “Ones are conscientious and ethical, with a strong sense of right and wrong. They are teachers, crusaders, and advocates for change: always striving to improve things, but afraid of making a mistake…” I’ll stop there before it gets into my weaknesses! Personality profiles are helpful in understanding my own strengths and weakness, but there is a temptation to inform everyone who I am so that I can explain to people how they should treat me, and so I can rationalize my quirky behaviors. I tend give feedback in a style that suits my personality (“I just want to help you do better!”), and I receive feedback best when it’s given in particular ways (“You’re perfect! Now, here’s how you can do even better…”) But oftentimes we confuse personality and behavior—and the truth is, they are not the same thing. Personality is determined largely by genetics with some environmental influence, and the facets of personality are more or less permanent qualities. On the other hand, behavior is learned and can be modified. The danger in clinging to the truth in a personality profile is the belief that others need to adapt their behavior around me according to my personality. Here’s the hard truth: I can adapt my behavior to accommodate others—and so can you. Here are seven tips on how to improve in the way you both give and receive feedback from others.

Let’s be real, sometimes feedback can be hurtful and problematic. But when done with consideration, feedback can be productive and encouraging—in fact, it can be a true gift! One way to set the tone for useful feedback is to first ask for permission. Unsolicited advice has no place to land; asking for permission gives the other person an opportunity to prepare themselves to receive feedback or the opportunity to let you know they aren’t ready to hear it. Another way to change your behavior is to intentionally give more positive feedback than negative. Giving feedback is a wonderful opportunity to encourage others in what they do well—and positive feedback is actually more helpful than negative feedback. It’s so easy to assume a person knows he/she is appreciated and is doing a good job, but usually it’s the negative feedback that resounds in someone’s mind. Before concluding your feedback session, give the other person an opportunity to respond. Giving feedback can be an opportunity to collaborate with others if you create an environment for sharing. Some people will be able to respond immediately, and others might need a day or two to process what you have said. Finally, when giving feedback, find a way to show gratitude and appreciation for the other person. At a minimum, you can always say “Thank you.”

Regardless of whether or not a person is tactful when giving you feedback, you can control how you receive it. More than likely, whoever is giving you feedback will do it according to his/her personality, and it might be uncomfortable to receive it in a style different from your own, but you have the opportunity to choose to have an attitude of humility and a desire to improve. You can reduce the tension surrounding feedback by choosing to embrace honesty with a sincere desire to grow and change. As in giving feedback, receiving feedback is also an opportunity to collaborate with others. Ask questions to bring clarity about the next steps the other person would have you take. Guide the person giving you feedback in a way that makes their comments productive for you. Sometimes, feedback can be harsh; actively choose not to take any negative criticism personally—remind yourself that just because a person doesn’t like your idea/product doesn’t mean he/she doesn’t like you! Lastly, say, “Thank you.” Whether or not what was said was helpful, an attitude of appreciation is a great way to show a willingness to learn.

You can consciously modify your behavior to support a positive feedback experience—whether you are Type 1: Reformer, like me; a Type 9: Peacemaker; or any of the Enneagram types in between. Regardless of your personality, you can tailor your feedback to reach different people with kindness and respect, and you can adjust your behavior to receive feedback in a positive way, too.

Want to learn which Enneagram type you are? Take a free version of the test here.